So last night was uneventful, as such is most of your days too. After running my dayhome all day, I made my kids supper, after they had a pudding, bear paw, some leftover popcorn from there lunch. I had to fight with them to eat chicken and potato's. After supper they both asked if for dessert they could have popcorn, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! My response was NO, you can have more chicken.
After that fight it was now time for a bath and/or shower, and its like pulling teeth. I remember at 9 my mother complaining about me using to much hot water and leaving some for the fish. My 9 year old will go a week without showering or when asked to shower will jump in for minutes, let the water run over her, no soap, no shampoo 😨 . Please tell me how to explain to a 9 year old ( very emotional) that she stinks, cause if I say it she will loose her shit on me and the world will come to an end.
This brings me to the story of my 9 years life for the last 2 years and how when I say emotional and what we do may seem like we are walking on egg shells around here will help you to make sense why.
If you remember in my first blog I mentioned she loved horses, when we moved to Alberta in 2014, I left behind my two horses and I vowed that we would not get into horses again. Well needless to say that April we were back into horses and taking English riding lessons at a local barn. While she was taking lessons everything was fine and dandy. While we were taking lessons, low and behold her dream pony arrived for reconditioning and we were suddenly interested. After purchasing Gordie, things took a change. First Alexis fell off and went 3 weeks not being allowed to ride him, everyone around the barn said yes he is a fast pony and loved his jumping job and if you were not seasoned you will eat dirty.
Alexis became very fearful of her pony and falling again, while she started lessons again, her fear ate away at her and she refused to canter on him and was kicked out of multiple lessons and made to feel as she was incompetent. I can say that I may have had a part in some of this as I just didn't understand how she went from this fearless cowgirl to a very timid rider, whom looked like she had never done this before.
Finally after 3 long months of not cantering, she was back, she was flying around the arena with ease. I had taken on doing barn chores in order to cut costs and allow her to follow her dreams. So I wasn't at lessons as much as I wanted to be because the horses were on a scheduled and it needed to be done in that time frame. She would come in with a sad look in her face and sheer disappointment, telling me she was no good and that she got kicked out of yet again another lesson, That I should mention I paid full price for. Finally I said enough is enough and I went and watched a few lesson's, I knew the instructor was being a bit tough on her but it was also sort of making her a better rider. Also in this time we learned about her Kyphosis and she got her back brace, which made a difference in her being told to sit up straight and us understanding that she was doing her best. The high expectations seemed to be lowered ALOT!!
Skip forward, of more belittling, We went into the parade and we knew her pony was going to be a dink so we thought for sure we would be put into the middle of a group of horses whom were naturals at this whole parade thing, nope we were added to the end. Thank goodness my husband was there to help because at one point a street sweeper went by us and he lost his shit, it took two of us to hold on to him as my daughter sat on top of him. The instructor rode over to Alexis and told her it was her fault she wasn't controlling him. We decided at that moment to cut back on the lessons and take a step out. Another huge jump and a breaking point, In February of 2016, my daughter was doing a jumping lesson with 6 other kids, ALL the kids were knocking the rail, Aleixs rides up knocks the rail and is screamed at by her coach to get off and pick it up NOW!! and as she is picking it up she is being nit picked on. Next thing this little bitch ( pardon my language) does is pulls all 5 other kids in and says watch Alexis, as Alexis crosses the jump she yells WRONG DO IT AGAIN, over and over and over again. That night we went home wrote our notice and that weekend we moved the horse. We went to another barn that was a great place, but very new and she had no friends there.
In April of 2017, my daughter and I had a regular mother daughter fight about putting cloths away which turned into the most devastating day of my life this far. My 9 year old curled up under her pillows and blankets and cried and cried hard!. I went to her and apologized, she said "its ok Mommy, I understand that I should not be alive anymore, and I would just like to die" I was taken back and I started asking questions getting to the bottom of this problem. There were issues at school, my yelling at her, but it all boiled down to this instructor that had made her feel worthless. I immediately contacted the school, they then informed me that she has no friends at school and what her perception of what is happening at school is not what was actually happening. I took the weekend to get my poop in a group and made the decision that she would be home-schooled. I also took it upon my self to find a new place for the horse.
This is where her life is slowly changing, we moved to just someone's house, who had a child her age. Alexis loved it there.. She introduced us to the Golden Spur Gymkhana club, I will say we were really reluctant to go because we didn't want to get into a situation where there were clicks and she was going to be judged again. This club all its members, have welcomed Alexis with open arms and treated her like family. She has gained her confidence back and now rides her horse like she stole him. We have since then recently got a rental in which the barn is on the property and the horse will be moved there. I cannot wait for our adventures to continue and to bring you along for the ride.
I just want to say to all you mom out there, Stay strong, you know what is right for your kids. Should you find yourself in a situation like I was remember don't be ashamed, reach out... reach out to your local moms, friends, school, help lines. Don't let you child's feelings go unnoticed.
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